The course jester of L.A. golf and the star of the hit NBC sitcom Lopez vs. Lopez is, at age 62, a relatively short hitter. But he’s definitely a world-class F-bomber.
(This interview was first published in a condensed form in the June 2023 issue of GOLF Magazine.)
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Your early life in the Missions Hills section of Los Angeles was filled with incredible hardship. Back then, could you have imagined you’d be teeing it up at the most exclusive country clubs in town some day?
Probably not, considering that my grandmother used to let me reach over and honk the car horn every time we passed the driving range right off the 5 freeway. But we did have a Wilson Dyna II 7-iron in our backyard, and lemon trees. So I started to hit lemons. If you got ’em young enough, they took off like Top-Flites; if you waited too long, it was like hitting Precepts. If the lemon split in a certain way, I knew I nailed it, if not I knew I pulled my head up. I can tell you everything about the golf swing by hitting a lemon.
Where did that 7-iron come from?
My grandmother asked to borrow it from a woman at work who used to sell notions out of the back of her car. My grandmother looked in there one day and said, “What’s that?!” It was a 7-iron. And the woman said, “My husband doesn’t play that much anymore. You want it?”
She got it with you in mind?
Heck no! She kept it in the house in case she heard a noise.
How old were then?
About 11.
You began playing golf for real in 1982, when you were 21. In rough order, take me through the L.A. courses you played coming up. Your first round was at a scruffy muni called El Cariso, right?
Right. It’s a city course — an executive course. I guess that’s like saying jumbo shrimp. People got all excited, like, “We’re playing an executive course!” And I’m like, “What the f— is this place?!” El Cariso was dry. When you’re a Chicano getting started playing golf in L.A., you don’t know that the grass is not supposed to look like that. I didn’t know it was supposed to be lush.
When you stepped up from El Cariso, where did you go?
To a place in Van Nuys. It was so flat you could see your car from across the course! Then we went to Lakeview Terrace, where from the course you could see where you bought your weed. From there it was DeBell in Burbank, then to Griffith Park, Roosevelt, Wilson & Harding.
When was the first time you got to play one of L.A.’s blueblood course, like Los Angeles Country Club or Bel-Air?
Well, I drove a Bel-Air. [Laughs] But the first time I played there I drove past the place 10 times. I didn’t know where the f— I was going. This was in the early ’90s.
You’re pretty well-aquainted with the ins and out of the celebrity golf scene. Who wins in a putting contest between Samuel Jackson and Anthony Anderson?
Well, if it starts before noon, I think they’ll both lose. But I’d take Sam every time. Anthony has more angles in his swing than a golfer needs to have. You ever see one of those dolls — they sell ’em at the fair — where you push a bottom on the bottom of the thing and all the limbs just collapse? That’s like Anthony’s swing.
Who wins in a driving contest between Mark Wahlberg and Larry David?
Oh, man. Wahlberg is a stud, and maybe the only golfer who can play in an hour and 15 minutes.
How does he do that?
That motherf—er runs, hits the ball, runs to the hole. He’s done a round in an hour and 15 minutes — with lunch.
Before he passed a few years ago, Eddie Van Halen was one of your favorite golf buddies. What bonded you guys?
Oh, man. [Takes a deep breath.] You know how they used to say all the pretty girls are at home on Saturday night because nobody asked them out? Eddie was so talented in his profession that he was shy, man. And when he was using, he didn’t have to notice that everybody was looking at him. But he was always home; he never went anywhere. The people on my old talk show asked me, “Who’s your favorite guitar player?” They wanted to get me a guitar as present because they knew I played. So I said, “Ah, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen.” And that was it. So I go to the office one day, and a woman is standing there with this thing. She opens it up and I go, “What is that?” And she said, “It’s a gift to you from the show, but it’s from my husband, too.” And I said, “Who’s your husband?” “Eddie Van Halen.” And I said, “Get the f— outta here. You know him?” And Janie, his wife, said, “I woke up next to him.” Then she said, “Why don’t you call him and ask him to go to dinner?” So we went to dinner and talked. I said, “Hey, man, are you a member of Lakeside?” And he says “Yeah!” And then he said the most beautiful words: “We gotta go out and play.” Here’s the thing: Ed was very childlike in his enthusiasm for everything that wasn’t music. Golf — he f—ing loved it.
How about things you love? This or that: Pebble Beach or Cypress Point?
Pebble Beach.
Robusto or Cohiba?
Bolivar Robusto.
A round at Augusta National or a round on the Old Course?
