The 13 kinds of Masters patrons, ranked!

From the archives: This piece was originally published in April 2019.

Augusta National prefers that you call them “patrons.” But there are other fair descriptors for the many kinds of people who attend the Masters. A taxonomy of fans at the tournament reveals these 13 archetypes.

1. The Genuflector

He speaks in reverent whispers of the course and its storied history, and all but bows in worship at the first sight of its fairways. “Hallowed grounds” is a phrase used widely around the Masters. This guy takes it literally.

2. The Rookie

There’s a first time for everyone. You recognize the newbie from the wide-eyed, nine-mile stare and the perpetually dropped jaw. “Wow,” she marvels while touching touch the turf to make sure she’s not dreaming. “It really is hillier than it looks on TV.”

3. Southern Frat Bro

Double-fisting beers, with a ball cap on backward and wraparound shades, this dude looks familiar. Oh, that’s right. You bumped into him during pledge week at Augusta State.

4. The Know-It-All

He’s the Brandel Chamblee wannabee perched behind you in the grandstand, endlessly spewing takes on grass types, Clifford Roberts and Patrick Reed’s average proximity to the hole from the left rough.

5. The Know-Nothin’

He aimlessly wanders the fairways, unable to distinguish Amen Corner from … hey, honey, is that Justin Spieth?

6. The Lifer

He’ll never forget his first trip to the Masters, in 1942, when he watched Byron Nelson edge Ben Hogan in an 18-hole playoff. He’ll never let you forget it either.

7. The eBay-Trader

Shirts. Flags. Caps. Coasters. Plastic cups from the trash cans. She stockpiles dozens of each, not for the sentimental but for whatever value they might fetch online.

8. The Squatter

Breaking through the gates like a thoroughbred, she speed-walks (no running!) across the grounds to claim a spot at Amen Corner, where she settles in for hours in a folding chair and under a floppy hat, waiting for the action to arrive.

9. The Not-Quite-Ready-for-Augusta Guy

He’s wearing camo pants, but you still can’t miss him, parked behind the 18th green in his hunter’s cap and “That’s What She Said” T-shirt.

10. The Glutton

With pimento cheese sandwiches priced at $1.50, you can have a dozen of them for under $20. But as this Homer Simpson eat-a-like makes you realize, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

11. The Yahoo

In a gathering of many thousand well-comported souls, there’s always someone who still finds it amusing to blurt out “Mashed Potatoes,” “You Da Man” or “Dilly, Dilly.”

12. The Fab Four

They’re the quartet of English fans in Union Jack patterns, with sing-song cheers ready in their throats and Tommy Fleetwood in their hearts.

13. The Southern Socialite

Rain delays and low-50s temps be damned, she gamely traipses through the mud in a sundress and six-inch stilettos, a bloody in one hand, a cold brew in the other.