Slow group ahead? Here are 8 passive-aggressive ways to speed them up

Aside from the occasional cry of “fore,” there is not much need in golf for chatter between groups. Not when a gesture is worth a thousand words.

Want to send a message to the slowpokes up ahead?

Here are 8 ways to communicate your thoughts and feelings without opening your mouth.

1. Cross your arms

In the iconic ads for Mr. Clean, the shiny-headed company mascot is pictured with his arms crossed, gazing straight ahead and smiling. This is what you’re after, minus the smile. Adopt the same rigid, upright posture, elbows at your chest, arms overlapping, happy face swapped out for frown, so that you look like a stern principal or a disappointed parent. Coincidentally, this universal gesture of impatience is not so different from what football refs use to signal delay of game.

2. Hands on hips

As any behavioral scientist worth their salt will tell you, hands on hips are a sign of a person ready to take action. It has the added benefit of exposing an impressive expanse of your body, making you look bigger, like an animal puffing itself up in the wild. Widen your stance and the effect is even greater. This is potent stuff, and it should get your point across. No one wants to hold up a disgruntled grizzly bear.

3. Lean hard on your club

With your club positioned upright, press its butt end into your palm and lean on it as if it were a cane. Place your other hand on your hip, cross one leg behind the other and cock your head slightly to the side, with your eyes locked in a nine-mile stare. That’s it. Now you’re looking properly peeved. For additional effect, raise your free arm, pitch your head at a 45-degree angle and clasp the bridge of your nose.

4. Raise your arms to the heavens

Admittedly, this one borders on flat-out aggressive, but sometimes it needs to be done. Raise your hands above your head, palms open, arms angled at a V. Make sure to do this when the group ahead of you is looking back. If this were a text message, it would be “WTF!?”

5. Master the quick-stop

This might be the only good reason to ever take a cart. After rushing to putt out, hop in your buggy and floor it to the next tee, only to slam on the brakes, screeching to a halt as you feign surprise at finding that another group is standing in your way.

6. Look wholly unimpressed

Now that you’ve caught up with the offending foursome, stare them down as they tee off, never wavering in your stone-faced expression. Do not nod or smile. At all costs, avoid eye contact. You are watching but not watching, which is disconcerting. Remain silent. Even if each of them smokes a drive 300 yards down the centerline, do not even think of saying “nice shot.”

7. Hit up on to them

Notice we didn’t say hit into them. That’s a step too far. Hitting up close will convey the same message without the risk of felony charges. Just in case, though, you should still yell “fore.”

8. Play dead

This is a last-resort tactic. Use sparingly. To be employed only on golfers who don’t respond to nuance.