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David Feherty’s 11 best one-liners: From Tiger Woods to dancing

September 2, 2015

There is never a dull moment with David Feherty, who’s full of unforgettable quips and stories he’ll tell during golf broadcasts. Here are a few of his bests:

On Tiger Woods: “I just stood there watching him walk past and thinking, ‘I don’t know what that is, but I know there weren’t two of them on Noah’s Ark.’”

On his caddie, Rodney Wooler, and him being on the same page: “Not only was Rodney never on the same page as me, he was seldom in the same book and often not even in the same library.”

On quitting drinking: “I didn’t quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to the highest level and it’s not even a challenge anymore.”

On an errant shot: “That ball is so far left Lassie couldn’t find it even if it was wrapped in bacon.”

On a beautiful day of weather: “The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf in it.”

On golf: “One minute you’re bleeding. The next minute you’re hemorrhaging. The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.”

On watching Tiger Woods hit a great shot: “Never has my flabber been so completely gasted.”

On Jim Furyk’s swing: “It looks like a one-armed man trying to wrestle a snake in a phone booth.”

Again, on Furyk’s swing: “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

On dancing: “I don’t dance. The Irish don’t dance, we hold each other up.”