What’s On the Pine Valley Police Department Blotter? One Can Only Imagine

October 5, 2015

The second smallest municipality in New Jersey, Pine Valley has 12 full-time residents, one famous golf course and a police department staffed by six officers who make an average of one to two arrests a year, according to a fascinating report in The Philadelphia Enquirer.

“We’re back in the woods here,” Pine Valley’s mayor, Michael B. Kennedy, told the paper. “So anything can happen.”

Indeed. Extra Spin did some imaginary digging and uncovered exclusive excerpts from the Pine Valley P.D.’s blotter, revealing the perils faced by those who work along this thin blue line.

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Sunday, May 2, 11:59 a.m.

Distraught caller requests immediate officer assistance on first hole; female golfer has teed off before noon.

Thursday, May 31, 4:26 p.m.

Man on backhoe apprehended and charged with defacing sixth green. Suspect identifies himself as Tom Fazio. Claims he has been hired to execute the changes.

Tuesday, June 4, 8 a.m.

Calling all cars! Attempted five-some! Repeat: Attempted five-some!

Friday June 20, 5:40 p.m.

Head chef engages in fisticuffs with guest “snooping” in kitchen. Suspects guest was trying to steal recipe for club’s legendary snapper soup.

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Wednesday, July 1, sundown.

Young member arrested at security gate on suspicion of driving under the influence of liberal political ideas.

Saturday, August 5, 1:21 p.m.

Officers in riot gear dispatched to 18th green to quell harrumphing argument over alleged handicap fraud. Backup requested. Bully sticks and tear gas employed.

Sunday August 18, 10:15 a.m.

Multiple reports of loitering over three-footers.

Thursday, September 12, 1:10 p.m.

Club president calls, insisting caddy get 60 years to life for a critical misread on the 17th green. Attending officer suggests reducing gratuity instead.

Friday, September 20, 3:20 p.m.

In morning debriefing, staff sergeant praises officers for diligence but offers stern reminder: Combo of green argyle and pink linen, while a crime of fashion, is not punishable by law.