To Whom It May Concern: I am writing in regard to the vacancy on Mr. McIlroy’s bag

August 9, 2017

Rory McIlroy Inc.
Human Resources Dept. 
Hamilton House
28 Fitzwilliam Place 
Dublin 2, Ireland

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in regard to the vacancy on Mr. McIlroy’s bag. He revealed this week at the PGA Championship at Quail Hollow that he has been “inundated” with applicants, which is no surprise given that Mr. McIlroy seems like a really down-to-earth guy who makes a s—load of money. Who wouldn’t want to carry Mr. McIlroy’s clubs? 

I would. Which is why I’m writing. 

But before formally applying for the position, I’d like some more information. I searched for the job on LinkedIn and Glassdoor but to no avail. Do you know the start date? Salary? And how are the dental benefits? One of my molars has been killing me. 

I know Harry Diamond, Mr. McIlroy’s lifelong friend, has been filling the void since Mr. McIlroy dispatched J.P. Fitzgerald last month. It sounds like Harry did a serviceable job at Firestone, but I think I could do better. Mr. McIlroy said Harry “was good, and he encouraged me when I needed it,” but he also said, “we both did yardages.” We did yardages? You had one job, Harry!  

“He did what was expected of him,” Mr. McIlroy added.

If Mr. McIlroy hires me, I would do more than was expected of me. When Man U games overlap with Mr. McIlroy’s tee times, I’d provide him with regular scoring updates. In nervy moments, I’d keep Mr. McIlroy loose with lines from his favorite movie, Anchorman. (You are a smelly pirate hooker, Mr. McIlroy!) And club selection? Please, like that’s hard. Driver-wedge. Repeat.

At Quail Hollow on Wednesday, Jim Furyk was asked how he and his loyal looper, Mike (Fluff) Cowan, have stayed together for 18 years. “He has to put up with a lot of my crap and he’s really good at it,” Furyk said. I was so glad to hear that, because as a stressed-out digital journalist trying to navigate a constantly shifting media landscape, I’m also really good at putting up with crap. You’ll find that in the “Skills” section of my resume (attached), between gallery-shushing and camera-smashing.

Mr. McIlroy said he “can’t really think about” who he might hire until next week. I get that. He’s trying to win a golf tournament here at Quail Hollow. But as it so happens, I’m also in Charlotte this week. Is there any chance Mr. McIlroy and I could grab a quick breakfast? There’s a Waffle House just south of the club, down on Pineville-Matthews Road. I bet he likes his hashbrowns smothered, chunked and peppered. (Am I right? I know I’m right! See, I just get Mr. McIlroy.) Or better yet perhaps I could take his bag over the weekend? Throw me into the fire!      

One of Mr. McIlroy’s concerns with bringing in a newbie bagman is the dreaded “awkward spell” that follows. He’s mentioned that a couple of time in recent weeks, and that’s fair enough. Ergo Harry. They’re buds. Hell, Harry was his best man. But you don’t want a back-slapping friend on the bag, you want a tireless grunt. I mean, where was Harry Tuesday when Mr. McIlroy signed that baby? Umm…hello…security threat, anyone? Who knows what was in that diaper? Had I been on Mr. McIlroy’s bag, I would have ordered a full inspection before Mr. McIlroy went anywhere near that tyke.      

Finally, let me address the elephant in the caddie shack: my relative lack of experience. Please assure Mr. McIlroy that I’m well versed on the principles of caddying. In preparing for my upcoming interview, I have studied the “10 Rules for Being a Good Caddie” posted on the website of the Western Golf Association Evans Scholars Foundation, a wonderful organization that has helped put more than 10,000 young caddies through college. Only three of those tenets give me pause, which I’ve noted here and that we’ll need to work into my contract: 

(1) Learn the game of golf and how each of the 14 golf clubs are used 

I have a handle on most of the clubs but 2-irons are and forever will be beyond my comprehension.

(2) Handle your player’s clubs and bag like it was your own.
Horrible idea. Have you seen my bag? 

(3) Never swing your player’s clubs. 

From time to time, I will be unable to resist ripping Mr. McIlroy’s driver — mostly on the range before rounds, but occasionally during an actual tournament round. I’m thinking in particular of the 1st hole at Augusta.   

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from your office shortly and will happily provide references upon request.

Kindest regards,

Alan Bastable

P.S. Please let me know about Mr. McIlroy’s availability this weekend.