The 15 worst kinds of golf spectators, ranked!

October 11, 2017

If you’ve been to enough golf tournaments, you all know who these people are. Heck, maybe you are one of them?

But just how there’s always that annoying guy in the wedding, the weird cousin at the bachelor party or the fringe friend who joined the buddies trip to Vegas, there’s always that guy at golf tournaments. Maybe he’s too loud; maybe he wants to be seen on TV; or maybe he just wants Paulina Gretzky to acknowledge him.

Without further ado, here are the worst kinds of spectators at pro golf tournaments.

15. The early bird

You have the best seat in the house at the 18th grandstand, but was it worth staking out your spot four hours before the leaders tee off? So maybe this isn’t so offensive, but come on, get a life.

14. Cigar guy

It’s a free country, but not everyone is thrilled you morphed into a walking hookah bar. That said, Miguel can do it. He can pull it off.

13. Overly optimistic guy

“Come on, Phil! You can do this!” Well, we appreciate the encouragement, dad, but Mr. Mickelson just made double and is now on the 18th tee four off the lead. Even your pep talk coming off the 17th green can’t turn this into a miracle.

12. The merchandise hound

A shirt is practical and a few ball markers are cool, but when you exit the merchandise tent looking like you just went deep at Trader Joe’s, maybe you have a problem. Did you really need three pairs of Safeway Open oven mitts?

11. Free stuff guy

Your pockets are stuffed with mini scorecard pencils and you just dug up your seventh sticky souvenir cup from a nearby garbage can. Congrats. Just try to contain yourself and remember that the tee markers are off limits. Or are they?

10. Beer-stacker guy

You succeeded in spending $45 and drinking a six pack before 1 p.m. on a Thursday, and the cups stacked under your latest foaming 16-ounce brew provides, for everyone else, a sad reminder that you were the coolest in college.

9. Way too many logos guy

It’s OK to wear your golf gear to the Valspar Championship, but it’s simply overkill when you pair your Masters polo, Old Course cap and Ryder Cup windbreaker. Sometimes less is more.

8. Local stick who knows everything

Your handicap is down to a 3 and two years ago you won a DII tournament in college, but don’t tell all of the surrounding folks why Jordan Spieth’s low cut into the green from 220 was 100 percent the wrong play.

7. Creepy WAGs guy

Exactly what Justine Reed, Paulina Gretzky, Ellie Day and others want: a creepy middle-aged man small-talking with them!

6. The 46-year-old Rickie Fowler

There’s a difference between a young tyke sporting his best neon orange Fowler gear and a grown man doing the same. If your dad is out there dressed like Rick, we’ve got a problem.

5. Middle-aged guy battling kids for autographs

A 52-year-old man asking for an autograph is already odd, but when he’s boxing out 12-year-olds it’s downright embarrassing.

4. Guy whose phone rings during play

If this happens in a tense moment you might be in big, big trouble, or get chastised by a pro (like Ian Poulter!). It’s really not that hard. Turn it off, turn it on silent, or — gasp! — leave it in your car for a few hours. Try the latter and you’ll experience a glorious sense of phone-less freedom.

3. Guy who takes trash talk way too far

This is golf, after all. A little restraint goes a long way. Do you really need to bring the pro’s ex-wife into it? Have a heart. Or a brain.

2. The eBay autograph seeker

You’d be surprised at how many of these guys actually exist, although pros are pretty good at spotting them. They sink to new depths to get signatures, sending kids to do the dirty work for them. Is a middle-tier pro’s John Hancock on a tournament flag really gonna go that far in helping you pay rent?

1. Mashed potatoes guy

Why? Just why is this necessary? Every other ridiculous phrase or word yelled after tee shots fits into this category as well. These guys, we can all agree, are just the worst.