Davis Love III is the Ryder Cup Captain: The People He Beat Out

February 18, 2015

The word is out that Davis Love will captain the U.S. Ryder Cup team in 2016.

He’ll match wits with Darren Clarke, who was announced as the European captain today after receiving overwhelming support from key players like Rory McIlroy and Ian Poulter.

Love, 50, was captain of the American team at Medinah in 2012, which lost in heartbreaking fashion after a historic European comeback in the final day of the event.

Let’s play 18 and look at the complete list of the people who got passed over for the job:

1. Paul Azinger

He’s the only American captain who won a Ryder Cup in this century and he won it without Tiger Woods but with Boo Weekley. Yeah, don’t let Zinger anywhere near another Ryder Cup. Good thinking, PGA.

2. Fred Couples

The Fredster is 3-0 as a Presidents Cup captain. Guys love hanging with Fred, the ultimate sports fan, but he doesn’t suffer squares and jocksniffers. Which lets out the PGA of America brass who insist on dressing up in team uniforms.

3. Phil Mickelson

He’s the man with all the answers. There’s a slight chance that his impression of a car bomb at the Ryder Cup press conference at Gleneagles rubbed PGA officials the wrong way. Either that or flying to Scotland on his own jet instead of the team plane.

4. Amy Mickelson

The only person Phil listens to. Sometimes.

5. Tiger Woods

He would’ve told the team the one thing they have to know about the Ryder Cup: It is what it is. It’s a process.

6. Lindsey Vonn

The only person Tiger Woods listens to. Sometimes.

7. Donald Trump

He’s a born leader. Just ask him. He gave Doral a simultaneous face-lift and kick in the ass. He’d run for President, too, except for the part about it interfering with his TV gig and, um, the part about not winning the nomination. And has anyone ever seen his birth certificate?

8. Jeff Sluman

He won a PGA Championship a million years ago, he’s been an assistant captain at the Ryder Cup and at multiple Presidents Cups. Slu has always been popular with fellow players—smart, wry and glib—and he’s made a career out of being underrated and overlooked. You’ve done it again, buddy.

9. David Toms

He’s a shrewd operator who won a PGA by laying up at the 18th hole in Atlanta, then holing a par putt to beat Phil Mickelson. Lay-up? We don’t need no stinking lay-ups.

10. Beyonce

Not picking Beyonce impugns the dignity and respect that the job of Ryder Cup captain demands. This is a travesty. It must be true. Kanye West just told me.

11. Adam Scott’s baby 

Only the cutest Ryder Cup captain ever.

12. Larry Nelson

He’s the two-time PGA champion who comes to life in “Night At the Museum” thanks to some Egyptian totem. Except the PGA of America has misplaced said totem. Dang.

13. Bill Belichick

It’s not cheating, it’s just pushing the envelope of the rules to get an edge on the other guy. Isn’t that the fundamental of match play golf? Guys, he’s said all he has to say on this matter.

14. Tom Brady

What? Me? Noooooo! I don’t know anything about it!

15. Gary McCord

The CBS analyst is one of the smartest guys in golf despite his comedic façade. The rebel in him would lead to a cryptic team-bonding moment, though, like including bikini wax in the players’ gift bags. He would’ve been the first Ryder Cup captain who ever appeared on “The Lawrence Welk Show.”

16. Bill Clinton

Sorry, he’s holding out for the captaincy of the Presidents Cup team.

17. Oprah Winfrey

You get a Cup! And you get a Cup! And you get a Cup! And you…

18. Generalissimo Francisco Franco

Still dead.

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