The course jester of L.A. golf and the star of the hit NBC sitcom Lopez vs. Lopez is, at age 62, a relatively short hitter. But he’s definitely a world-class F-bomber.
(This interview was first published in a condensed form in the June 2023 issue of GOLF Magazine.)
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Your early life in the Missions Hills section of Los Angeles was filled with incredible hardship. Back then, could you have imagined you’d be teeing it up at the most exclusive country clubs in town some day?
Probably not, considering that my grandmother used to let me reach over and honk the car horn every time we passed the driving range right off the 5 freeway. But we did have a Wilson Dyna II 7-iron in our backyard, and lemon trees. So I started to hit lemons. If you got ’em young enough, they took off like Top-Flites; if you waited too long, it was like hitting Precepts. If the lemon split in a certain way, I knew I nailed it, if not I knew I pulled my head up. I can tell you everything about the golf swing by hitting a lemon.
Where did that 7-iron come from?
My grandmother asked to borrow it from a woman at work who used to sell notions out of the back of her car. My grandmother looked in there one day and said, “What’s that?!” It was a 7-iron. And the woman said, “My husband doesn’t play that much anymore. You want it?”
She got it with you in mind?
Heck no! She kept it in the house in case she heard a noise.
How old were then?
About 11.
You began playing golf for real in 1982, when you were 21. In rough order, take me through the L.A. courses you played coming up. Your first round was at a scruffy muni called El Cariso, right?
Right. It’s a city course — an executive course. I guess that’s like saying jumbo shrimp. People got all excited, like, “We’re playing an executive course!” And I’m like, “What the f— is this place?!” El Cariso was dry. When you’re a Chicano getting started playing golf in L.A., you don’t know that the grass is not supposed to look like that. I didn’t know it was supposed to be lush.
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When you stepped up from El Cariso, where did you go?
To a place in Van Nuys. It was so flat you could see your car from across the course! Then we went to Lakeview Terrace, where from the course you could see where you bought your weed. From there it was DeBell in Burbank, then to Griffith Park, Roosevelt, Wilson & Harding.
When was the first time you got to play one of L.A.’s blueblood course, like Los Angeles Country Club or Bel-Air?
Well, I drove a Bel-Air. [Laughs] But the first time I played there I drove past the place 10 times. I didn’t know where the f— I was going. This was in the early ’90s.
Were you a guest of someone?
Yeah. A TV producer named Phil Kellard. He was writing on the sitcom Martin at the time. A very well-to-do guy. I started playing golf with him, and he invited me out there. I’m very uncultured, you know, so when I hit my ball left and he hit his ball right, I got out of the cart, grabbed a club and started running to my ball. I can still see Phil’s face. “Hey, George. Hey! What’chu doin’, man? You’re at a country club. You don’t have to run to the ball anymore.” I just didn’t know. It’s a beautiful moment when you realize that your life is becoming … better, you know?
Ultimately, you ended up a member at Lakeside, which is a little less tony than places like LACC, Bel-Air, Hillcrest and the Riv. Complete this sentence: “I play my golf at Lakeside because the guys at LACC and Bel-Air are…”
Cheap! [Laughs] Because they have to pay for guests. It’s fine for them, but it’s not fine to bring two friends. Are you kidding me? That’s, like, two grand!
Compete another sentence: “In a head-to-head match between George Lopez and his good friend Lee Trevino, George Lopez would…”
…remove the clubs from Lee’s golf bag and appropriate them as my own. To the loser go the spoils, right? I take Lee Trevino’s s— all the time. He has a wood that says “Super Mex” on it. And he saw me looking at it like it was a new car. And he said, “I’ll get you one, baby.”
Guys I play with will go, “Wow, you really hit that one!” And I say, “Hang on. Let it land first.”
What’s your go-to golf joke?
An old guy is on the 13th tee, and on a nearby street a funeral procession is going by. Black limousine. A line of cars. Flowers. The whole thing. And the golfer takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. The guys in his group are like, “Wow, that’s really respectful.” And he goes, “Hey, we were married for 55 years!”
I’m guessing you’ve played with just about every notable celebrity golfer. Who is, hands down, the best stick?
I’d probably say it’s guys like Nick Jonas, Miles Teller. They’re young and long and handsome and thin and all their clothes are f—ing tight. None of this XXL stuff. But … what I have they will never have. They will never have a locker around the corner from Jack Nicholson.
This is at Lakeside?
Yup. Out of the blue you’d hear [imitating Nicholson], “Why don’t we just go out and have a couple of drinks, and have a little candy, and go play golf.” I loved that dude so much. And he sounded like that all the time — just like Jack. [Imitating Nicholson again] “Grab me a pack of Parrrrliments.” One of the great Lakeside stories is about this guy Junior, who has worked there for 20 years. On Junior’s first day, on a Saturday afternoon, Jack Nicholson walks into the pro shop smoking a cigarette. Smoking’s not allowed. So Junior’s like, F—, man. What am I going to do? It’s my first day! So he goes, “Mr. Nicholson, I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no smoking allowed in the pro shop.” And Jack goes, “Or what?” And Junior goes, “Or, um, I’ll have to tell my boss?” And Jack goes, “I’ll take my chances.” The next day, Joe Pesci walks in, smoking a cigarette, blowing smoke in the air, and he says, “Hey, I heard you can’t smoke in this motherf—er!”
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You’re pretty well-aquainted with the ins and out of the celebrity golf scene. Who wins in a putting contest between Samuel Jackson and Anthony Anderson?
Well, if it starts before noon, I think they’ll both lose. But I’d take Sam every time. Anthony has more angles in his swing than a golfer needs to have. You ever see one of those dolls — they sell ’em at the fair — where you push a bottom on the bottom of the thing and all the limbs just collapse? That’s like Anthony’s swing.
Who wins in a driving contest between Mark Wahlberg and Larry David?
Oh, man. Wahlberg is a stud, and maybe the only golfer who can play in an hour and 15 minutes.
How does he do that?
That motherf—er runs, hits the ball, runs to the hole. He’s done a round in an hour and 15 minutes — with lunch.
Before he passed a few years ago, Eddie Van Halen was one of your favorite golf buddies. What bonded you guys?
Oh, man. [Takes a deep breath.] You know how they used to say all the pretty girls are at home on Saturday night because nobody asked them out? Eddie was so talented in his profession that he was shy, man. And when he was using, he didn’t have to notice that everybody was looking at him. But he was always home; he never went anywhere. The people on my old talk show asked me, “Who’s your favorite guitar player?” They wanted to get me a guitar as present because they knew I played. So I said, “Ah, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen.” And that was it. So I go to the office one day, and a woman is standing there with this thing. She opens it up and I go, “What is that?” And she said, “It’s a gift to you from the show, but it’s from my husband, too.” And I said, “Who’s your husband?” “Eddie Van Halen.” And I said, “Get the f— outta here. You know him?” And Janie, his wife, said, “I woke up next to him.” Then she said, “Why don’t you call him and ask him to go to dinner?” So we went to dinner and talked. I said, “Hey, man, are you a member of Lakeside?” And he says “Yeah!” And then he said the most beautiful words: “We gotta go out and play.” Here’s the thing: Ed was very childlike in his enthusiasm for everything that wasn’t music. Golf — he f—ing loved it.
How about things you love? This or that: Pebble Beach or Cypress Point?
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Pebble Beach.
Robusto or Cohiba?
Bolivar Robusto.
A round at Augusta National or a round on the Old Course?
Oh my God. Um, there’s only one heaven, so I’m going to have to say St. Andrews.
Don Cheadle’s short game or Alfonso Ribeiro’s dance move?
[Laughing] You know when you’re a paramedic and you’ve seen your share of blood? I’ll have to go with Don’s short game.
Which of these George Lopez movie and TV titles best describes your golf game: Escape from Planet Earth, Balls of Fury or Lopez vs. Lopez?
Hmm. Very psychological, the third one. The battle within! I’m gonna say Balls of Fury. They don’t go far, but they look f—ing good leaving. Guys I play with will go, “Wow, you really hit that one!” And I say, “Hang on. Let it land first.”
Recently you hosted the 16th annual George Lopez Celebrity Golf Classic. How gratifying has it been to use a game you love to support a couple of causes — kidney-disease awareness and organ donation — that are so important to you?
You know, in 1991, a friend said, “Come with me to Lakeside. I’m going to putt, and we can have a drink. Back then, I didn’t even have pants nice enough to get into Lakeside. This is a very selfish business, and to do something for hundreds of other people is rewarding because in, a way, I’m still f—ing selfish. But I have that part of me that is wanting to help other people, and golf taught me that. In a game of exclusivity, it made me more generous. It changed my personality.
How often do you get to play these days?
Twice a week. You know, I’m a member at … I mean, we shoot my show at Universal [Studios]. And Jimmy Fallon and I talk about creating a bridge between Universal and Lakeside.
Are they that close? Is Lakeside tucked in next to the backlot?
Yeah. It’s 52-degree wedge from where the Munsters live.